I died today
again
I've been dying alot recently
You may be confused
By this revelation
But it's the truth
All I can say is this
Who I was
No longer exists
Who you knew me to be
Is gone.
And it's ok to grieve that
I know I have
I've cried many tears
And screamed many screams.
I tried desperately to hold onto her
She was all I knew
I tried to pep talk her
I tried to drag her around with me
To positivize life and her losses
I tried everything to bring her back.
I talked to coaches
And counselors
Energy Workers
And Psychics
I did meditations
I went on retreats
I journaled
I traveled
I danced
I drummed
I sang.
But it was time for her to go
She wanted to go
Do you know how scary it is?
To watch yourself leave?
To feel parts of yourself die?
Yet,
Strangely
There was freedom
In feeling the relief
The weight off your shoulders
Until the next part needed to go
To die
To transform
Who am I now?
I really don't know.
But please don't expect me
To be the way I was
Please don't expect me to
Behave as I used to
To do or like the things I used to
Please don't ask me too many questions
Because I don't know the answers
I'm discovering who I am now
I'm creating and deciding
My values and goals
I'm getting clear on my needs
And letting go of the old beliefs
Moving on from ideas that were hurting me:
Like that "I am responsible for meetings others needs,"
When I can really only take care of me.
All the saving of others I was (trying) doing for years
Was really a call to save myself
And in the end,
I couldn't save her
I had to let her go
And give her permission to
To tell her it was ok.
Because in the end
That's what she wanted and needed to do.
So who you see now
May look like her
May sound like her
But I'm not her.
I'm something fresh
I'm something new
I'm starting again
New relationships
To people
To food
To the environment
To life.
No more constructs
No more advice from authorities
No more limiting beliefs
No more expectations
No more opinions
No more toxic shame
No more needless guilt.
And finally allowing myself
To feel ALL my feelings
Especially the ones I've been hiding for
The sadness
The pain
The frustration
The fear
Until all the repression
Became depression.
So this is new me
And I need time
I need space
I need freedom
I need understanding
I need acceptance
I need respect
I need compassion
I need love without expectations
And the person to meet these needs are me
But I'm sharing these needs with you
So you can know how I feel
And what I need
And it's ok
If you don't understand
But please understand
I'm different.
Written 10 November 2017
by Aloha Jacqueline